


You don't need to be enough. You just need to be alive

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Coping, Crying, Hallucinations, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 04:06:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15878178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: A uhhhhh thing based mostly off my own experiences.-orJuno obviously has nightmares.





	You don't need to be enough. You just need to be alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [i_live_for_death](https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_live_for_death/gifts).



> This is extremely weighty and has vague implications of sexual assault. Please do not read to emotionally harm yourself, or if you are triggered my such things. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF I CARE ABOUT YOU.

She's bragging. That's the only way Juno can describe it. She's  _ bragging  _ that she killed her favorite child, and Juno feels sick at the sound of it. “ _ I shouldn't have left _ .” He thinks.  “ _ I should have been the one who was killed, I was supposed to be the one _ .” He knows that it isn't true. That when Benzaiten was killed it wasn't Juno's fault, but it's still  _ there.  _ “No no no no no no.” He gasps as he backs away from Ben's dead body. “Please no, please no.” 

“Juno?”

Juno is shaking his head, and part of him knows this is impossible, that day can't happen again, but it's happening, and he's powerless. 

“Juno, please.”

Juno's sobbing, but there aren't any tears coming out. His body doesn't have the energy for it. “No, Benten. Come on, please. Please.”

Then he's being shaken. Someone's strong hands on his shoulders. It's his mother, she's going to beat him. Shove his face into the ground. 

“No!” He screams as he pushes her away. “Don't touch me. You-” He gasps, shaking by himself, pushing her away. “You're a monster, don't you  _ ever- _ ”

And then he sees a face in the darkness. Jack Tanakos face crawling towards him. Part of him  _ knows _ that this isn't real. That it can't be. Jack is an old man now, and he's reconstructed his face and  _ everything.  _ But a more scared part of him stumbles off his bed, reaches for the gun under it, and points it at him. 

His body feels disgusting. He's more aware of it than he's been in a long time and he feels powerless. Like the kid back in Halcyon that would do anything Jack said. Like a toy. Like a pawn. He hates himself for the sob that releases from his throat. “Don't touch me!” he gasps. “One wrong move and a lazer goes straight between your eyes.”

He moves towards Juno cautiously, and Juno immediately feels a horrible, horrible feeling shoot through his body. He wants to cover himself in some way. He wants to tear away all of his skin. He wants to take a spoon and scoop out that horrible feeling in his sternum. 

“Juno.” He says, but it isn't his voice. It's Peter Nureyev's, soft and worried. “I'm not sure what you're thinking, but I'm not going to hurt you.”

The artificial light from the lights in the street filter through the window. Peter's pale skin glows under it. 

Juno starts to take in more air, and he doesn't feel like he's drowning anymore. “Nureyev?” His voice is thick. 

Peter smiles softly. Like he can see Juno's sanity returning to his body. He goes to lift a hand to his Juno's face, and he jerks away. “No,” He says, hard and insistent. “Please, it- I just can't.” he can't be touched right now. He just  _ can't. _ Not with the overwhelming feeling of  _ hands.  _

“Juno,” Peter says again, as he puts a sizable distance between. The two of them. “What do you need?”

Juno squeezes his eyes shut, because everything is coming through. The memory of his mom screaming at him.  Jack Tanakos “Remember! It's a fact!”

He gets up quickly, his legs still wobbly and broken. He moves quickly to the bathroom and the throws up. There's not much in his stomach. It's mostly just dry heaving and stomach acid. It doesn't help that Nureyev's overwhelmingly close. “Are you sick, love? Are you okay? What's going on?” 

Juno collapses next to toilet.  _ I'm okay.  _ He thinks.  _ In my apartment. It's some time in August. I'm fine. I'm going to be okay.  _ He breathes deep. He needs to get back into control of his body. He needs to be the one in control right now. His body is still shivering, and his headspace feels like it's spears out across Hyperion city. It feels as though there's a lightning bolt electrifying his brain. He knows one thing that will help. Even if it's stupid and childish. 

“Nureyev?” He croaks. “Can you help me to the bed?”

Nureyev pauses for a second. “Absolutely. Just let me get you some sleeping med-”

“No.” Juno bites. “I need to get  _ under  _ it.”

For a few seconds he seems stunned. “But-” He pauses again. “But of course. As long as you let me see you the entire time.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

So Peter helps him get to the bed, and Juno crawls under it. He turns on his side, and hugs his knees into his chest. 

Mom would usually respect their space. And even if she didn't, she didn't want to go through the trouble of going under the bed to get him. He feels safe here. He feels like be can breathe. 

Peter is sitting next to the bed. Just sitting there, fidgeting like a butterfly with new wings. It's grounding, knowing that he's there and he  _ cares.  _

Juno waits until his breathing is even, and he body does feel like it's in a million different times at once. He waits until he's here. “Nureyev?” He mutters. Soft and small.  He makes sure that the next part that comes out is stronger. “Thank you.”

He reaches out, and takes a hand that was drumming on the floor. “Sorry if I scared you.” Peter squeezes his hand. 

“I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the universe, darling.”

Maybe one day he'll be able to talk about his hallucination, and he'll be able to talk to Peter about everything, and bout how he felt.  Right now is not that time though. Right now he just breathes. 

And maybe that is enough. 


End file.
